Total Eclipse of the Heart

So, the first thought I had when I looked up at the eclipse in the parking lot of a Home Depot in Avon MA was: Wow, that Alien is eating space-time.

No, I have never taken Acid.

My boss is in front of me, but coming soon: Seth Rogen and the first Tin Foil Hat of the Week Award.

Pimp the system.

Best Personality Test Everrr!

So I was listening to some David Bowie today during work, pondering the meaning of life, you know, normal shit, when it hit me: You can divide college/post-college age people into the threemost important Bowie personas: Ziggy Stardust, The Thin White Duke, and Let's Dance! Bowie.

Just answer the following questions, and tally up the score below:

1.) What is (would be) your favorite drug combination:

a.)Pot and LSD

b.)Coke and Heroin

c.)Ecstasy and Speed

2.) What's your favorite drink?

a.)Beer, maybe some Andre

b.)Gin and Tonic/Martini

c.)Red Bull and Vodka

3.) Whose music do you listen to most?

a.)The Flaming Lips

b.)Interpol

c.)Justin Timberlake

4.) Which Bowie movie is your favorite?

a.)The Prestige

b.)The Man Who Fell to Earth

c.)Labyrinth

5.) Who would you most like to nail/rail/slam/get your rocks off with?

a.)White Guys and girls, preferably from another planet, but you enjoy solo sessions

b.)Asians and Iggy Pop

c.)African Supermodels and Mick Jagger

6.)Who did you support at the beginning of the 2008 Presidential Campaign?

a.)Dennis Kucinich

b.)Write-In for Pat Buchanan

c.)Obama, but mostly because of the Obama girl videos

7.)Where would you most like to spend a vacation?

a.)Suffragette City

b.) Rehab in Berlin

c.)Club Med

If you answere a Majority of Choice A....

Congratulations! You're Ziggy Stardust Bowie!!!

You're a supersexed, intergalactic humanoid sent to tell us all about the Starman in the sky. You've taken a few too many "sugar cubes," with your eyes screwed up and your hair screwed down "like some cat from Japan." You take things a bit too far, but it's all good in the end.

If you answered mostly B

Congratulations! You're the Thin White Duke Bowie!

People suck, so concentrate on being cool and having as much fun as possible! You're sick of love songs, but you still find yourself singing them while you work. You think "a fascist leader could be good for England." You also like to ride the train and "throw darts in lover's eyes." Oh the emptiness of it all! Do as much coke as humanly possible, get what play you can, and listen to Joy Division!

If you answered mostly C

Congratulations! You're Let's Dance/Clubbing Bowie!

Fuck the Thatcher era and the return of the 3-day week! Why worry, when you've got some dancing to get to?! Your interests include ecstasy, exotic rock and roll clubs, Iman, and suing white rappers. Oh, and you're not afraid of almost kissing your buddy Mick Jagger on MTV either. So tremble like a flower baby, and stay away from scary monsters (and super creeps).

I Finally Understand

Nick, I am sorry. I now understand why you were afraid of birds.

These things are fucking terrifying.

Photo Credit to AOL and the AP. I hope these things never come back lol.

Timesplitters

Time is a weird thing. Time zones are even weirder. Daylight Savings Time is kinda cool, but nobody can ever effectively explain to me how the world effectively loses a time zone for half of the year. Time Zones might be the most poorly constructed regukatory mechanism man has ever created. Spain and France falling directly beneath England, yet for some reason are one houw ahead of GMT.

Nepal, famous for its export of GRAVITY and cool flags, distinguishes itself by keeping its own time zone, 15 minutes in between its neighboring time zones. Why the fuck does Nepal need this extra 15 minutes? Every country below or above them falls into either the 00 or the 30 time zone, but they just have to be different. Nepal, however, is not the most abominable of Time Zones. Oh no, that distinction goes to:

The Mountain Time Zone(MTZ)!!!

The MTZ is an offense to God, David Bowie, and freedom. I'm sure it has its nice spots, but overall, the MTZ is just a spacetaker on the map of Manifest Destiny. Idaho? Wyoming? Montana? There is NOTHING redeemable about those places, save for potatoes and Boise State Athletics. Do you want to know all the badness the MTZ is home to?

Mormon Fundamentalists

Dapper Dick

Area 51

Militias

Broncos Fans

Not to mention a smattering of Aryan Nation compounds. Essentially, the Moutain Time Zone is the 1984 NFL Draft Quarterback Class of Evil. It's unparalleled.

How do we deal with this problem? The MTZ needs to be dissolved. Chinacovers at least three time zones worth of land, but only goes by one time zone. Extreme Western Alaska goes by Alaskan time, two hours ahead of what should the time should be in its actual time zone, Samoan Time Zone. So, we could partition it up between Pacific and Central, or just combine Eastern and Central into one time zone, and Pacific and Mountain into another.

The most fitting option would be to just ignore the MTZ, dont allow it any time standard whatsoever. In a lot of ways, this is alreayd happening. When you hear a commercial advertising a tv show, you only hear Eastern, Central and Pacific, never Mountain. But TV is stupid. That would be such a crazy idea. Kind of like spending a half hour railing on about the mountain Time Zone....

It's important to have goals....

You know, hip-hop has taught me many things: how to struggle in the face of adversity, the plight of urban decay, how to "ask papi for a brick and a half," but never really relationship stuff. Sure, I've absorbed as much misogyny as the next fan, whether it be Nelly using a thong-line as an ATM machine or Beanie Sigel fucking "until change fall out of that ass," but those aren't things I would ever want to do or hope would happen (although that would be pretty damn convenient if you needed some cash in a bind...)



I now have what I think is a harmless/ridiculous goal for fucking/a relationship:



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wumtbq0RGLo



This dude Adnan...messes with Britney Spears once and BAM! She's got a British accent. It took Guy Ritchie several years, two kids, and a whole lotta Kaballah to get to that point. But Adnan just has that magic touch. I mean, look at him. He's a paparazzi, he's got a Gotti kids blowup, and his chin looks distinctly like the female no-no spot.





He's no Dodi Fayed! And I think Brit has a fried chicken stain on her shirt (and a couple other friends. Real Classy Britney).

Calling you on the phone everyday? Stalking you at your place of business? That's nothing! Giving someone a permanent faux accent...I can only hope for such a wonderful thing.


So before I kick Perez Hilton away from my computer, I need to re-list my life goals, in no particular order:

-Write like Dao Strom

-Play guitar like Johnny Marr

-Fuck like Adnan

Backstreet's back - alright!!!

When I first saw the video for that song, I had just started watching mtv after not watching for a whole year, and it was literally the second night TRL was on, back when it was a half-hour primetime call-in show, with Carson Daly looking like he was doing it out of his mom's basement (Carson Daly doing it....ewww).

ANYWHO...after months of being too lazy to resture my blogger password, tah-dah! I've got a lot to say, and some posts Ive had months to think about, and they're gonna start coming out now.

And like my main man Adolfo says

"We back like cooked crack baby!" "Watch ya bitches!"